Einsamkeit
by Lectictinium
Summary: GerIta. Contains ANGST *yay * Based off of Germany's character song. Basically Germany feeling regretful about the past and Italy comforting him. *Also contains hints of USUK, PruAus and maybe GerEng?*


Gunfire exploding around him, Germany winced as he withdrew from the heat of battle, dragging the smaller trembling nation back with him to safety. Once further back amongst his own soldiers, he turned to shout at Italy, who was still struggling to be free of his harsh grip.

"What do you think you're doing out there!"

"Uhhh… ve, but Germany! I'm just trying to help you because–" The rest of his statement was lost as a soldier fell into them, blood pouring out of a fresh gunshot wound in his shoulder. With a quick turn of the head to apologise, the man returned grimly to fight the opposing soldiers. Germany grimaced and pulled Italy to his feet.

He was retreating from this battle in order to get Italy to safety. Besides, there wasn't much more he could do here. These men could fight on their own…

_Enzetsu wo shiteiru to mietemo  
>Tada no kaiwa sa<br>Betsuni _

"What are you waiting for? Do it."

Germany snapped up at the sound of his boss's voice, wincing. The commands echoed in his head with every step he took, drilled into him.

The barrel of his gun was still aimed at the small figure in front of him, but he was hesitating. The boy, somewhere between a child and adulthood, glared up at him.

There was something about the way the Jew looked at him that made Germany's blood boil. The way his eyes bore into him, regarding him as if he were some sort of monster, even lower than that.

But what was worse was the guilt. Set deep in his heart, churning up inside of him was that never-ending guilt and pity Germany felt looking at these people. Helpless… They were German, so what was wrong…

A German but a Jew, he was not one of the Aryan race. That was the difference.

Germany's breath shook as he stepped through the spreading puddle of red forming around the boy's head. He didn't look down to catch the boy's lifeless eyes, knowing from experience that the hate would still be present in the gleam. Germany leant against the wall head bowed as he inhaled deeply to steady himself. He ran a hand up through his blonde hair to place a few strands back out of his eyes. Taking the gloved hand away he spotted a small wet gleam streaked across it.

There was a cut on his forehead from where the woman had clawed at him in desperation as she was dragged aside and then shot, fighting to protect her son.

Again the drumming of his heart sounded loudly in the empty room.

"Es tut mir leid… es tut mir leid…"

_Toki niwa kewashii kao wa surukedo  
>Tada samuinosa<br>Kini shinaikedo _

"Ve~ Germany!"

The nation turned to see Italy bounding up to him, his curl bouncing wildly as he ran. The sight made his heavy heart lift a bit.

Germany's eyes were heavy, and the lack of sleep was causing small dark circles to form. The weight of his actions was pressing upon him heavily, and he wasn't getting much rest over it. Everyday was just a jumble of faces of all those who he had killed following the chain of command. He couldn't escape it…

"Ve! Sorry I'm late Germany!"

"No, it's fine Italy. I had just finished …" Germany looked down at his rough hands. Italy slipped beside his friend and clung on to Germany's arm.

"What do you want to do?"

No matter what he had done – was doing – Italy was always there to greet Germany with that same smile on his case, not caring for his actions, but the person.

_Chimitsu na sagyou ga tokui dakedo  
>Yubi wa futoi sa<br>Dakara _

Germany sighed as he pulled the limping Italy to his side, slinging an arm around his broad shoulders. He had to bend down slightly and Italy tiptoe for it to work, but Italy laughed weakly as some of the pain was taken off his leg.

"Sorry, Germany…"

"No need to apologise… just don't get captured again, understand?"

Italy nodded again, looking up at Germany's set face, "But I am sorry… for causing you so much trouble…"

Germany stopped to look down at Italy. The look in his chocolate eyes was serious; this was unlike the whimpering apologies he would usually give.

Germany let a soft smile form at the sincere apology, "Honestly Italy, don't worry…"

"Ve~!" Italy brightened up and rested his head against Germany's side as they stepped in unison up to Germany's house.

With a sigh and then a chuckle, Germany pulled Italy up into a piggyback.

"Eh?"

"It's quicker like this." A light pink tinged Germany's pale cheeks.

Italy settled into Germany's back resting his head on top of Germany's.

"Mm… Ti amo, Germany…"

He was always saying that, and despite the tone of his voice this time, Germany ignored his friend's statement and quelled the irrational, faint hope fluttering in his heart.

_Aitai, tekitou toka iwaretemo  
>Genmitsu ni wa–<em>

Germany opened his eyes from another night of little, broken sleep, wincing at the harsh sunlight shining down on him.

He sat up and rubbed the sides of his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Those recurring dreams… Germany couldn't tell which ones were real and which ones were just products of his imagination. Did he really have days where he did nothing to harm his people, or spent time with Italy just forgetting the horrors of yesterday? Probably not. He was starting to think the little Jew was right, like all the others, for thinking him a monster.

Getting dressed for another meeting that day, he walked through to his kitchen where Italy was already up and making breakfast. It was pasta, of course, but even so, Germany loved the meals Italy cooked for him.

The smaller nation was humming as he prepared the finishing touches, unaware of Germany standing and watching him. Prussia was already sitting at the table ready, waiting for Italy to finish.

Germany glanced at his watch. He was up late, which explained why his brother and Italy were already fully dressed and ready to start after they ate.

"Hey, West! Up at last, kesesese."

"Ah!" Italy turned around, eyes wide and bright as he beamed at Germany. "Good morning~!" He ran up to hug the sleepy nation briefly before going back to make sure nothing burnt or overcooked.

A short while later they were all full and satisfied as they cleared the table. The meeting today was being held at Germany's house, which is why they were preparing and Germany wanted to make sure everything was spotless.

Within a short time the first few nations started to arrive, England, dragging America along behind him and Austria were there promptly. Upon seeing Germany, America quietened his bickering and walked past him with a cold air about him.

It reminded Germany of how his soldiers walked by in the war: cold, steely and prepared for battle…

–_wakaranai _

_Einsamkeit  
>Einsamkeit<br>Einsamkeit_

Germany stood completely still before the Allies. The war had been won, and now it was up to the victors to decide on his punishment.

"We… won't be able to forgive you, you know… I mean, we'll move on, it time, but…"

Head down, he nodded to say he understood what England was saying. Germany hadn't expected such a small island nation to have been so strong. He had completely underestimated him.

"What of Italy and Japan?" Germany's voice was low and hoarse. The two other Axis nations stood silent behind him, not to speak until it was their turn.

"They'll be punished accordingly, of course…"

"In that case I shoulder full responsibility." Germany looked up to meet clear green eyes, filled with resolution.

England wasn't sure what to say to Germany's determined statement. He stammered to try and find words to no avail.

"Leave Italy and Japan out of this, they didn't do anything…" He tried to read some emotion from England's gaze, but only saw confusion. And pity. There was something about England, his eyes especially, that entranced him. For a moment, Germany wanted to know more about the nation who had opposed him when others were falling into his grasp.

England was still speechless as he looked into Germany's clear blue eyes. They looked like the eyes of a dying man, filled with sorrow and pain. _He really regrets it…_

"No, Japan isn't blameless. He still has to answer for what he's done." America stated clearly, cutting through the murmurs of his Allies. Behind him, Germany could feel the Asian jolt at the harsh tone of address.

"If," Germany spoke out, drawing everyone's attention, "If I could apologise enough to take back what I did, to make everything right then I would. Really I would. But… I can't… saying sorry won't do anything. But you all know how helpless Italy was! Could you honestly say that he is deserving of the same punishment I am?" his voice grew strong as he grasped Italy's shaking hand, yet Germany finished with sudden shame and weakness.

He really could never be forgiven.

_Tsukete hoshii…_

Germany sat at the meeting listening to the other nations bicker amongst themselves. America was going on about being the Hero or something, and whilst England had given up trying to reason with him he was arguing with France instead. Italy was actually paying attention for once, although there wasn't anything to be paying attention to. His brother was staring at Austria, who whenever he caught the albino's eye turned away with a red tinge upon his cheeks and a 'hmph!' Germany didn't bother to ask about it.

"Please, everyone! Can we settle down already?" Germany's voice boomed out over the room, quietening the nations present. "Thank you…" Germany slumped back into his seat with a sigh, placing a hand on his temple.

"Ve~ Germany, are you okay?"

"He's probably got a hangover, Ita-chan. Right, West?" Prussia slung an arm over his brother's shoulder.

"Hmmm. Maybe you're not getting enough nutrients, aru. If you eat the same thing a lot then it can be bad for you." It was just a passing comment of concern from China, but somehow it hurt. Germany hated the stereotype other nations thought him to be. It's what made some of the less knowledgeable ones think he _was_ a monster.

"I think it's guilt. Well, it should be."

America's blunt comment startled everyone. It was so out of character. Germany looked up to the nation wearily.

"Well, I never heard you apologise about what you did. You killed my friends, you know that?" America continued to glare coldly and speak harshly, "And what about what you did to France and Ar– England? They may not have said anything about it but…"

"America…" It hurt England to see Germany hurt by his over. No matter how much he loved America now, it wasn't fair for his former colony to be talking like that to his former lover.

France looked awkward too: he had forgiven Germany, despite what he had done to him during the war. There was really no point holding any kind of grudge. And from what he could tell, Italy was hurting just as much as Germany was.

"That was a long time ago…" England stuttered to try and shift the conversation.

"No it wasn't! I just… I just want that Nazi bastard to say he's sorry–"

America was interrupted as England slapped him across the face.

"That's enough." England flicked his eyes over to Germany who was sitting opposite him, before turning back to America. He knew that the young blonde was rude and insensitive without meaning to be sometimes, as he never realised how painful it was for England when he celebrated his Independence with a huge party, but that was going too far. Clearly he had a grudge against Germany.

"What's gotten into you, America? What you said was completely uncalled for."

America stared up at the older nation as he spoke down at him in hurt silence. He felt like a child all over again.

Germany meanwhile, had stood up silently without anyone noticing. It was true that he'd left many things unsaid but…

Italy looked round as Germany let out a near-inaudible sigh and turned to walk away. He knew what America had said was untrue. Germany had apologised once every night without fail, probably since the beginning of the war. How many more times would Italy have to see another 'Es tut mir leid' written in that red notebook? He had lost count of the number of lines written neatly in black ink there were. When Germany had seen Italy holding the notebook… Italy couldn't forget that face… According to what Prussia had told him, or rather what Italy had managed to extract out of him when Germany wasn't around, he'd also thought about branding or cutting himself, but those thoughts had been stamped down by his brother.

"Germany? Where are you going?"

"Just leave me be." Germany's voice shook slightly as he froze by the door.

England looked over at Germany with equal concern, "Lud–"

But the nation had already left.

_Imo bakari tabeteru to iwaretemo  
>Soba mo pasta mo onaji <em>

Germany leant against the door outside of the meeting room, eyes closed and breathing slowly as he listened to the others inside. The voices were muted but he could pick up some of the conversation.

"V-ve! Um, maybe Germany just has a headache! Please, leave him–"

Italy flinched at the sound of a chair scraping back harshly against the floor.

"He can't just walk out!"

"Alfred!"

"Amérique!"

The younger blonde bit his lip and wisely stopped talking at the sound of the two shouting in unison.

"Please don't ever talk about Ludwig in that way again." England sat down, speaking evenly and avoiding America's questioning gaze.

_Ludwig?_ America frowned, but shifted his attention when France addressed him again.

"You assume too much, Amérique, we have moved on, and we have… long… forgiven Germany," France used no venom in his voice as he followed suit and sat down, but it was clear that thee conversation was now at an end, "I suggest you calm down and do the same, mon ami."

At that point, the conversation settled down and returned to the main focus of the meeting, and Germany was unable to pick out much more in detail.

_Ludwig?_ Germany smiled bitterly, _so he still calls me that…_ Having no reason to stay and listen now that the other nations had resumed the meeting, Germany headed towards his main kitchen.

Standing in front of the counter, he didn't even realise why he had come here. He spotted Italy had left a few things out of place and quickly tidied them out of habit. Italy always did leave a mess, even when he cleared up. Somehow, the thought made Germany smile for a moment. He wouldn't mind seeing Italy rushing about, cooking something or just being himself right about now…

_Daidokoro ga yogoreru kurai nara  
>Betsuni ryouri wo shinakyaii <em>

_Einsamkeit  
>Einsamkeit<br>Einsamkeit_

Germany opened his eyes to see, with little surprise, Italy sleeping peacefully beside him. His hair was out of place, and one arm bent at a right angle so Italy's right hand rested on the pillow inches away from Germany's face. On a whim, Germany placed his hand on top of Italy's, feeling the smooth, warm skin beneath his own. Holding it tightly, he brought the small fingers up to contact with his lips for the briefest of moments before placing it back on the pillow, still not letting go.

He sat up groggily to lean against the backboard of his bed. Italy was still asleep, breathing slowly, his breath whistling through his teeth occasionally. Germany looked at the curl of hair, always separate to the rest, that stuck up over his ear. It was an odd little thing, and seemed to have a life of its own, curling more and less at different times, but it was just one other strange thing about Italy that Germany loved.

Leaning down, he blew on it lightly, chuckling at how it wobbled at the slight rush of air.

"… tickles…" Italy's eyes opened and he squinted as they adapted to the light.

"Ve~" He yawned sleepily, looking up at Germany, "Ve! Good morning!" He beamed so brightly and enthusiastically, it made Germany's heart flutter a moment. He sat up so quickly, intending to hug Germany, he overbalanced from the rush and was caught by Germany. It took the blonde a moment to realise his hand was placed over Italy's heart, and that he could hear his own beating loudly with an increasing pace at the feel of Italy's warm chest. Germany removed his hand with a blush set on his cheeks as Italy sidled closer to sit next to him with another content 've~'.

"Nn, good catch, Germany!"

"W-well, if you trained more you could have better reflexes…"

"Hmm."

Germany couldn't tell if it was a statement or a question as Italy rested his head on his chest, directly over Germany's heart, their hands still intertwined. "Are you okay, Germany?"

"Ja… it feels… nice…" The blushing nation struggled for words and frowned mentally as he lamely finished with 'nice'. He took a shaky breath, Italy's head rising and falling with his chest.

"Good." Italy chuckled as he heard Germany's heart race then slowly settle down as they sat together.

Germany smiled and closed his eyes. Nice, huh? Well, it did feel nice, pleasant, lovely, even, having Italy like this, still holding hands. But what was even better, was that it felt so _right_. Neither heard what the other said.

"Ich liebe dich"

"Ti amo."

_Kokoro wo hiraki…_

Germany snapped his eyes open, disorientated as he reviewed his surroundings. He calmed down upon realising he was in a bathroom, not five minutes away from the meeting room. Still unsure of how he got here, maybe he had walked there in his daze, Germany stood back against the wall, leaning his head on the cold surface. What was that memory… or maybe it was a figment of his imagination? He decided on the latter, having no recollection of that morning.

His heart hurt so much… the worst thing was that Germany couldn't understand why. He knocked his head back against the wall, trying to clear his emotions.

"Verdammt!"

Again, he threw his head back, stepping forward to lean over the sink when his head started aching. Looking back, he could see chips in the paint and a few spot of red. He felt the back of his head, looking down at the small drops of blood on his fingers.

"Only a small cut… ahahah, déjà vu, is it?" He clenched and unclenched his fist and gripped the side of the sink. Grimly, he stared at his reflection in the clean, smooth mirror.

Oh, he knew exactly what was wrong… his blonde hair and blue eyes, that monster staring back at him which was what his former boss would have called 'perfect'.

"I hate it…"

Italy stared at Germany worriedly, almost fearfully, as he leant over the sink, breathing heavily and eyes unfocussed.

"Ger…many…"

"They were right, I am a monster. Why can't I just say it and make everything right! It's not hard!" Germany stepped away from the mirror, staring at the floor, "Es tut mir leid…"

"Germany…" Italy tentatively called out, unsure if Germany heard him. Prussia came to stand by Italy, who stepped forward into the bathroom.

"Germany…"

"…!"

Prussia stood silently by the door as Italy approached his brother. _West…_

"Just leave me alone, Italy…"

"Germany… please, what's wrong…" Italy had never seen him look so… weak.

"Italy…"

Italy stood right in front of Germany trying to think of what to say. He touched Germany's cold hand, spotting the blood drying on his fingers, "Germany… tell me…"

"Just leave. Ich habe nichts zu sagen zu Ihnen." Germany stepped away, feeling the warmth of Italy's soft touch disappear.

"Germany!" Italy stepped forward, reaching out, when he fell as he felt Germany's fist connect with his jaw.

"Just leave me–!" Germany struck swiftly and accurately, sending Italy to the floor.

…_toki hanachitai_

"…alone." Germany blinked when he realised that he wasn't reliving a memory. Italy was on the floor, staring up at Germany with tears in his eyes. Had he just…? Had he really hurt Italy like that?

"West! Ita-chan!" Prussia stopped himself from running over to the two of them when he heard footsteps from the other nations as they approached, hearing Germany's shout, the meeting abandoned after the first three had left.

"Gott… Italy, I'm so sorry…" Germany crouched down and offered a hand to the small nation, who was still lying on the floor, gazing at him with a look of pity.

"I'm fine…" Italy's voice shook as he spoke, propping himself up to sit level with Germany.

"I didn't mean to–"

"It doesn't hurt at all, see!" Italy smiled at Germany as he stood up, ignoring the outstretched hand. Still, a few tears formed in his eyes. "Why…" He stared down at Germany, who was still on the floor. Italy wiped his eyes to try and stop crying and bit his lip, which was already cut deeply because of Germany.

"Why can't you smile?"

Italy offered a hand down to help Germany up; the nation stared at it, unsure.

"You're always…" Italy threw himself down to hug Germany, sobbing into the shocked nation's shoulder, "You're always hiding your feelings! You keep things bottled up, Germany!"

"…uh…" Germany wasn't sure what to do as Italy held him, crying out his feelings.

"Why can't you be yourself, Germany? Like how we used to smile and do things together!"

_Kimi ga iru kara, boku de irareru_

Germany felt a few tears roll down his face. _Then… they were real?_

"You… No-one hates you, or blames you Germany… You just have trouble smiling, right? How come? Are you never happy? Am I… Am I doing things wrong?" Italy's words became more incoherent as he shook and took shuddering breaths, "Be yourself, Germany… just smile… please?"

Italy moved his hand down to clasp Germany's, which was hanging limply by his side. He felt Germany flinch at the touch, but he wasn't rejected as he slipped his fingers between Germany's. He brought the hand to his lips and kissed the back of Germany's hand before curling up so that he sat leaning on the nation, his head resting above his heart.

Germany flinched again, a spark running through him. "W-were you awake…That morning…?" he only just got the words out.

"Just… stop apologising Germany, you… you don't need to…" Italy let the tears roll down his face as he listened to the pounding in Germany's chest.

_Itsumo niranderu to iwareru keredo  
>Egao wo tayashita koto nado nai<br>Kowai to omowareteru keredo  
>Kao de rikinde waratteru dake sa <em>

Prussia decided it was best to leave at this time, and quickly shooed away the crowd of nations that were gathering next to him, closing the door as he left to walk back to the meeting room with the rest.

A long silence stretched between the two nations before they were both calm enough to speak.

"Italy, I'm really sorry…"

"It's fine. Non nascondono più nulla. Please... just smile… and stop being so hard on yourself…" Italy leaned up and placed a kiss on Germany's jaw, causing both nations to blush.

_Tsuyoku._

He returned to listen to the steady heartbeat, speaking slowly, "You don't have to… be strong or anything… ve… just be… happy…"

"Ja."

_Einsamkeit._

"Ich liebe dich"

"Ti amo."

* * *

><p>*um, used a site for translations: CORRECT ME IF IT'S WRONG PLEASE~<p>

Ich habe nichts zu sagen zu Ihnen – I have nothing to say to you.  
>Non nascondono più nulla – Don't hide anything anymore.<br>And I think we can guess what Ich liebe dich and ti amo means ^^

A songfic based on Doitsu's amazingly emo character song. God, he be so emo. http : / / www. you tube . com / watch? v=s29i3BflGrA& feature = related

Yeah…not historically accurate or anything… why do I love to write angsty Germany so much? NAZI ANGST T_T Now go read this: http : / / xlosersruletheworldx . deviant art .com / gallery / 28978043# /d3ax7fi I maybe stole some ideas from it without realising… At least, that's what I realised when I finished writing this xD

Angsty GerIta… it's fun to write… but makes me so depressed afterwards ._. Yeah, America is OOC…not sure why…

In case it's unclear, the beginning part is all Germany's memories, then the song lyrics separate his other memories from the present time, except right at the end from 'kokoro wo hiraki', then it's all in the present. Oh and when I was writing that end part *although I'd already had it planned and stuff since the beginning* I was watching HetaOni part 10. DID. NOT. HELP. T_T

Ugh, the bit at the end failed… it was better in my head. This is what happens when Germany gets angsty and snaps. Yay for Italy hugs~


End file.
